he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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