I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
