awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
