I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
