What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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