i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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