my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
