Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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