I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
