i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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