Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have feelings that need drinking.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
