I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
