had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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