Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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