I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
