We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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