Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
