The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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