How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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