Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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