Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
