his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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