Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
