I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
