Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
