I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
