i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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