seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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