The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
