If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
