oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
