so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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