at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
