If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
