I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
