By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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