My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
