I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
