he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
