he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
