I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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