I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
