Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
