You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize