my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
