I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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