I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
