mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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