You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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