o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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