They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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