I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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