Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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