Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
