ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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