I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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