Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
