So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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