Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
