You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
