bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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