Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
