mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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