Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
