you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
