Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
