Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
handjob tips. give me some.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
