so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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