last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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