i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
